dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
