I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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