I wish I could punch you in the face.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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