Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
