My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
