her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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