fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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