I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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