The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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