3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
