I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Randomize
