Yo dont text me then not text me
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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