i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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