I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Randomize
