my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
