I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
