i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
