My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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