the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
