I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
