First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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