So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize