My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
bring money and cleavage
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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