Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
