Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
