Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize