a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Randomize
