I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
