Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
