Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
