living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
