smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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