drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
