no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
