I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize