Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
