Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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