I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
