dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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