Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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