I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
