She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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