I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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