Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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