if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize