Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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