Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
