My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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