Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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