please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
