i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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