He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
