I bet he comes in French.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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