Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I wish you could order shots online.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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