Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
