Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just invented taco cereal.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
