I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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