If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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