I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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