you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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