sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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