I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
