i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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