somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
