i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
