Michael Bay diarrhea
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
