I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
